Healing wounds
by Raysire
Summary: After the Ninth Doctor regenerated, Rose had trouble accepting his new self. Until the TARDIS came to her help. - A. N. :This has been written "on a whim" and barely re-read. Apologies for any mistakes or grammar errors. I've noticed some after publishing, but I'm too lazy to edit :)


One week had passed since the worst day of her life. One week in which she had tried with all her heart and soul to love this new… man, this _new Doctor_. Might as well start calling him with his name, even if it sounded so weird in her mind. Using that name, his name, for a different person, a different face, felt so wrong to her. But she had at least to try and trust him.

Rose was sitting on the floor in her room on the TARDIS. She had begun to lock the door whenever she was there, something she had never done before, when she travelled with… _him_. She spent countless hours sitting there in silence, just thinking. She could tell that this bothered him, that he was not happy about it, but she couldn't help it. She needed to spend some time alone.

She sat there, her legs crossed, staring at the wall in front of her without seeing it, a familiar leather jacket spread on her lap. She run her fingers over the leather, tracing every crease, every crack, every seam in the lining. Occasionally, she would drown her face in it, inhale that familiar scent, and cry.

The TARDIS hummed around her and in her head. She could still understand her ancient language, an ability that had lingered with her after she had become the Bad Wolf. Today, the ship wasn't happy.

"_He's hurting, you know". _

"I know!" she said out loud. "I know it, I can feel it inside my head, I just can't… I just don't know what to do!"

"_Wear it."_

"What?"

"_Wear it. Trust me."_

Puzzled, Rose did as the TARDIS had suggested. She took the leather jacket from her lap, and draped it on her shoulders, sliding her arms in the sleeves. It was too big for her, she would have found it funny if she wasn't so distraught.

"I look like a little child wearing her father's clothes."

The TARDIS didn't answer. The humming was distant, as if the ship was busy with something else. Rose felt abandoned. She dug her hands in the pockets and wrapped herself up in the jacket, as if it was a security blanket, the scent of the Doctor filling her nostrils once again. She had a hard, painful lump in her throat. That scent had brought back so many memories, memories of that same leather jacket falling to the floor in that very same room. Memories of that scent lingering on his neck while she bit him, of his lips on hers, of his hands on her back.

"Wait…what is this?"

Her hand closed on something small in one of the pockets. She took it out. It was a piece of paper, folded neatly into a small square. The paper was torn and creased around the edges, as if it had been folded and unfolded many times.

She opened it. Inside, the paper was covered in writing. Rose felt her heart skip a bit. She had never seen that handwriting before, but she knew instantly whose it was.

"My dear Rose" she began to read.

"_My dear Rose._

_I can feel something is about to happen. I can't put my finger on it, not yet, but I can feel it coming. And I know it's not going to be good._

_I honestly hope you will never read this letter, because it would mean that all my worries were pointless and we are still travelling together. But if you are, then it means that I'm not with you any more.  
You must be so scared and full of doubts now. I have never told you what was going to happen after I died, because I hoped you'd never need to know. But I guess you know by now. And I honestly hope I was the one to tell you and you didn't have to witness it alone, with no clue about what was happening. _

_While I write this, you are sleeping in your room. It's the dead of night, at least it would be on Earth. We've been to Woman Wept today. One of the best days of my life. You were so beautiful, with that wonder in your eyes, cheeks pink from the cold. I couldn't stop watching you. We made love tonight, like many of the nights before this. Oh, Rose._

_When you came into my life I was terrified. I was afraid you would leave me like everyone else, once you found out what I had done. You have no idea how hard it was for me to ask you to come with me. When at first you said no, I was almost relieved. I thought I was better off alone, and I let you go. I've never told you, but more than six months have passed – for me – from that moment and when I got back to you in that alley. I've been to all sorts of places in the meantime, I've saved a family that was going to board the Titanic and helped evacuate a village mere seconds before the Krakatoa exploded. And all that time, all I could think of was you, the feeling of your small hand inside mine when we were running on that bridge. Your body in my arms after you saved me from those Autons. Your voice. Your hair. I was back to my old life and I couldn't get you out of my head. The TARDIS, the old naughty girl, kept telling me to get back to you. And I didn't want to. Because I knew, I felt that you were going to become so important to me, and I didn't think – I still don't think – that I deserved it. _

_One day, after more than six months of travelling alone and thinking of you, the TARDIS decided to take the matter in her hands. She is the one who decided to bring me back to London. For the thousandth time she landed in the wrong time and place, except they weren't the wrong ones. I stepped out of those doors without knowing what I would find, and when I saw you, well, everything suddenly made sense. I decided I might as well try again. And this time you said yes. I can't even begin to describe how I felt when I saw you run towards me._

_Like I've already told you, you healed me. When I met you I was angry, sad, and alone. I had an unbearable weight on my shoulders. You helped me see the beauty in life again. You showed me that I didn't have to be alone, that I deserved better. _

_The first time I made love to you I understood that I could be so much better, if you only stuck with me. You are my strength, my light in the dark. I love you, Rose, and I've never told you. And now I feel it's too late. But I want you to know it, if anything happens to me. I love you, and I'm so, so sorry I've never told you before. My deepest hope is that you understood anyway. I have tried with all my might to show you what I couldn't express with words. I'm sure you know it. You're so clever, my Rose, you can see right through me and into my heart. Yes, you know._

_My Rose, I know you must be scared and confused now. But he is me. I am that man, even if it seems impossible. Try and love him as much as I know you love me. I know it's hard, and he… I will understand if you want to go back home. I will understand if you can't travel with me any more. _

_Just, Rose, please, for me, try and have a good life. Try and live a fantastic life. Whether it's on Earth or with him… me, on the TARDIS. Make the best out of it. If you decide to stay with him, please try and remember me. Look into his eyes - they will be so different, I know, I always change so much. But look deep, you'll still see me. I'm always the same person you know. Same man, different face. _

_My dearest Rose, it's time to stop writing now. Most of the night has passed while I struggled with this letter, and it's time to make your breakfast. You're ever so grumpy when you wake up, better get your tea ready._

_Before I go, I just want to tell you that you are fantastic, and I love you. Never forget and never doubt that I love you, my Rose. And please, please trust me. He will love you too. He will show you in different ways, but he will love you as much as I do._

_Goodbye, my Rose."_

Rose wiped the tears from her eyes and folded the letter again. She put it back in the pocket, took the jacket off and laid it on her bed.

She unlocked her door and got out of her room, walking to the console room, where she knew she would find him.

"Rose?"

Her name still felt strange in his mouth, in his voice. She smiled.

"You OK?"

"Yes, yes I am."

She walked to the console and stroked it gently.

"Thank you, old girl."

The TARDIS hummed quietly in her head. She turned back to the Doctor.

"Right, I'm ready now. Where we goin'?"

He smiled, and she could swear she saw his eyes twinkle in a familiar way. She took his hand.

"You promised to take me to Barcelona, am I right?"

© Raysire 2013


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